Mesmerized by "twiblings"

Forgive me if you're already bored to death of hearing about this story.  I may be a little late to the party with this, but I am still mesmerized by the December 29th New York Times Magazine article Meet The Twiblings. I read that the magazine received more than 500 comments prompting the author to respond to some of the more thoughtful questions, so I'm obviously not the only one who's mesmerized.

If you haven't read the piece, it's about a couple who couldn't get pregnant.  The wife was a little older than her husband and after years of IVF, they were told she probably wasn't ever going to conceive.  They felt adoption seemed too long a process with no guarantees, especially because the wife was older and had a chronic pain disease, so they decided on using a surrogate with donor eggs, and the husband's sperm.  However, they really wanted twins but were told by their (responsible) doctor that there was too much risk with multiple births.  Next they decided that they'd find a second surrogate, and implant the two surrogates at the same time.  This resulted in babies being born 5 days apart: twiblings. 

The egg donor was the only one in the story who isn't involved in the babies lives, and the only one whose identity was not revealed.  Melanie Thernstrom, the wife/mother/author of the story is extremely confident in her position, even allowing one of the surrogates to occasionally breastfeed the baby she carried. 

I applaud this woman for sharing her story, that many people might find controversial.  It brought the surrogacy process, shall I say, out of the the closet. It's pretty clear that surrogacy is so expensive that it's cost prohibitive to most folks, while simultaneous surrogates, is surely only possible for the very wealthy, which seems kind of unfair, since I'm sure there's many gay and infertile couples who would also love to have this option.  They were also very fortunate to find seemingly level-headed surrogates who didn't change their minds halfway through, or do any of the other possible horrifying things a stranger could do while they're carrying your baby. 

At any rate, it made me think of how far I would have gone if I weren't able to conceive.  Maybe we all start out the same: telling ourselves "if it happens, it happens."  I remember that one day my husband and I were saying "maybe we'll start trying" and the next day having sex and then lying with my legs in the air for 15 minutes after.  Was that over sharing?  I guess what I'm saying is, it's so easy to let baby-making become all encompassing.  A friend said that having children isn't what makes you a woman, and you can certainly have a magnificent life without kids.  I think that if I hadn't been able than it would have been quite okay with me, but I haven't had to struggle with this dilemma.  What would you do?

 http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html?_r=1&ref=magazine

Little devils, or just toddlers?

My once angelic 16-month-old girls are walking, talking a little, and raising a whole lotta hell. They're biting, pulling hair, and throwing food. Our pediatrician says that the violent behavior should be dealt with via a time-out of one minute separating the attacking twin. I'm not entirely in support of this method, but we're following her recommendation. I can deal with the girls doing things to each other, but it's a different story when they hurt friends. Just yesterday we had our twin playgroup+husbands for brunch. My girls, tired from missing their nap, were in attack mode. Needless to say, we'll be lucky if anyone wants to play with us in the future.

So now I'm looking for a solution to the food throwing. It's not making me that nuts, but it's driving my poor, very neat, Italian husband batty. The blogs give varying advice:

• slapping the child's hand(!)


• taking them out of the highchair, and making them clean up the thrown food


• removing the food, and making the toddler stay at the table until the family's finished


• doing nothing

I found this advice a little humorous, but not necessarily wrong:
"I invite you to take a step back and really think of why this is driving you insane. I have 4 kiddos. They all throw food over their chair at some point. They think it's funny. They are learning cause and effect. Really, she's not trying to be defiant....she's just learning. It's not fun to spend much of our time cleaning up after our little ones, I know. But it's part of the job and it will pass; and the time spent cleaning up little messes isn't that much time in the whole scope of things. I honestly don't recommend any discipline for this. I reccommend humor...and lots of it. You can say to her, "food is for eating, not throwing." in a calm no big deal way, then show her how to say "excuse me" or say "all done please". Then clean her up and get her down and be on her way to playing or whatever. Children are curious creatures. Choose your battles. Think about why you get upset about certain things. What is your belief about it, and why do you have that belief. I always tell moms to go within and listen to their inner wise loving mamma. She will always know what to do next. It's not easy, but take a big calming breath, look at your daughter and just smile. You are her example. This does not need fixing. It will pass:)
Best wishes in your parenting journey. Embrace that yummy spirit of your daughter.

In peace, A. mom of 4. Birth and Parenting Mentor www.birthingfromwithin.com"

I would like to believe that my twins are just experimenting with "cause & effect" (another theory), but the giggles and defiant looks they give me when they're tossing their food leads me to believe they're actually testing their adoring father and me. We're going to opt for a calm response like "no throwing food" and indicating that you say "I'm done, please" and then we'll remove the food. We'll see if it works.

The thing about being a parent is that every child is different. What works for one may not work for another. Yes, having a good sense of humor is key, and of course, whatever the current issue is will inevitably pass (as the peaceful mom of 4 from above stated). However, if you're a good parent you want to "do the right thing." You don't want to scar their little psche by being too strict, but you also don't want to create a menace to society. Do your research. See what others are doing and if it sounds good to you, then give it a try! But wait, don't try the corporal punishment solution....hello....they're only toddlers!

I'm not a join-er?

I can only assume that being a twin mom is certainly a little different than mothering singletons. For example, I spent the months prior to giving birth trying to figure out how to have enough contraptions (bouncers, jumpers, exersaucers, boppys, carseats, strollers, etc.) so that I would always have a place to put my twins, so that my hands would always be free in case one baby had an emergency. The babies didn't seem to mind, and in fact, seemed quite happy all of the time.

My twins do many things at the same time. This includes, teething, pooping (yes, they nearly always have bowel movements within minutes of each other), eating, bathing, and many milestones seem to happen within days of each other, and I'm looking forward to many more.

However, they've had individual personalities from the beginning, and now that they've reached their 1-year mark, Sienna's already toddling around, and Sophie's still scooting (she doesn't crawl traditionally, but scoots on her bottom) alongside her sister. Sophie loves her pacifier and Sienna doesn't care about it other than at bedtime.

I embrace having twins. Many days I dress them alike, mostly because I think it's funny and it's also just easier to buy two of everything. I'm not even put off by the incessant attention we receive when we are in public. I can only liken it to walking around with a celebrity. At first it was a little off-putting, but seeing babies really seems to make people happy. Only occasionally will I get an obnoxious reference to a creepy Jack Nicholson thriller with a scary pair of twin ghosts.

Despite all this I eschewed joining the local chapter of the Twins Club. Since pregnancy people have basically harassed me about joining. They'd tell me it's "incredible support" and that I'd need it. But I felt like if I got a night out, I'd prefer to spend it having dinner & a drink with some real friends, trying to feel like a human being for just a couple of hours. Once I was accosted by two separate Mother of Twins while standing in line at Trader Joe's . One turns to me and says, "are you a member of the twin group?" To which I replied, "I'm not really a join-er."

Hmmmm...I'm "not really a join-er"????? I never really played a sport, joined a sorority, or the like. It's not as if I walk to the beat of a different drummer, but in some ways maybe I thought I wouldn't be good enough? Who knows, I'm not a psychotherapist, but I just knew I was sick of all these women bothering me about their group.

Here's what I pictured: A bunch of post-partum women, sitting around the basement of a church, drinking coffee (this part I like), and complaining about how they never get enough sleep, and how their husbands never help.

Fortunately, I had no such issues (okay, maybe I'm a little tired and my back always hurts), and have always felt that misery is quite contagious.

Fast forward 12 months, and I realize that mothering twins can be quite isolating, and your long-time girlfriends rarely bring their kids to play or invite us over. Who can really blame them, we're a handful. I was convinced by another mother of twins to JOIN the group. Not for the meeting or support or any of that business, but to get into the Twin Tag Sale a whole two hours earlier than the general public! It was totally worth it. Additionally, I opted to join a playgroup with other twin moms and their kids. I think that I'd misjudged the group.....from what I hear, they seem to be welcoming, kind, informed, supportive, and a wonderful resource for new twin moms. Maybe I am a join-er!

Gossip Girl

Lately I've been doing a lot of gossiping, and I can't stand myself for it. There's nothing worse than a gossip. It started when my girls were a couple of months old, and it was a terrible winter so I was shut in my house with little adult communication during the day except via telephone, and any information gleaned from a phone call was front-page news to me. Luckily, I realize what I'm doing when I gossip and that's half the battle.

I think I'm particularly cognisant of gossip because it's not something I heard too often as a child. I never heard my own mother utter a word about another person unless it was relevant in some way. In retrospect, I was always able to keep other people's secrets, I considered that part of being a good friend.

I once read something that said people who talk about other people are uninteresting themselves, and interesting people talk about events, topics, interesting things. I'd truly become a bore with nothing to talk about other than other people's news and baby-stuff. I can't make it through an entire novel, newspaper, or news program without being interrupted. I don't go to the movies, theater, or concerts. I barely even go shopping anymore!

Things I am able to do regularly is go out to dinner with my husband and friends, lunches out because my children love to eat at restaurants (for now), go on many walks, find and cook new recipes, and do my best at raising two little girls, which brings to another reason why I don't want to be a gossip.

It seems that children and young adults are becoming mean. This winter there were headlines about teens and/or tweens harassing classmates on Facebook, MySpace, sending mass text messages trying to destroy reputations, and clearly causing a lot of anguish. If memory serves, I think there was at least one case that resulted in group violence against one young girl. I'm concerned that this mean spirit is coming from their mothers. Children learn what they see and hear, and I'll bet there were some pretty gossip-y, unkind, sarcastic, and cruel mothers who never curbed their behavior in front of their children.

So I'm attempting to put an end to unnecessary talk about others so that I can regain some self-respect and set a good example for my daughters. I don't know if I'll be 100% successful, but it's worth a try. I plan on retaining the guilty pleasure of watching the show Gossip Girl because I can't quit gossip cold turkey.

What will I be when I grow up? Lately people have been asking me what I plan on doing when I'm done being a stay at home mom, which I think is a little odd because don't your children still need you when they're 5 and older? In fact, don't they need you to be around even more when they're pre-teen and teens?

I'm not really insulted by the question, because it's something I've been asking myself lately too. I've done a lot of things in my 34 years on this earth. I've had a lot of little careers. Let's see I've slewn donuts and bagels, worked as a lifeguard, at a tanning salon, hair salon and daycare all before I graduated from high school. I was a manicurist, scheduler, advertising and marketing account exec, advertising sales rep, print sales rep, country club sales rep, and business owner all before I was 30. I was a designer for California Closets, the Cosmetic & Fragrance manager at Saks 5th Avenue and launched Skirt Magazine during my time in North Carolina.

Someone tried to recruit me for a job once because he was so impressed by all the things I'd "done." I guess I'd never really thought of myself as a "do-er" but the truth is that I really do like to try new things. How else would I ever know whether I was missing something great. Some people pick a career in college and stay with that choice until they retire. My mother picked my major (Journalism with a concentration in PR), and that was a fitting choice. I think I would have been a very happy magazine writer, PR exec (although I wasn't thrilled with working in an agency, but they weren't a particularly cool or PR focused agency).

It's a great time to not be in sales, so maybe by the time it's for me to go back to work the economy will have straightened itself out. Maybe I'll open another business (what's that they say about the definition of insanity?). Maybe I'll go and work at J Crew so that I can dress like Michelle Obama and get a discount on their adorable Crew Cuts kids line. http://www.jcrew.com/AST/Navigation/CrewCuts.jsp

Luckily, I think I have a while to think this through. The next job I choose will definitely be the one that sticks.

My Favorite Room

When I realized that I was pregnant with baby girls, I had to change everything on my baby registry from unisex green, yellow, cream, and brown to pink. It's just natural to embrace the girlishness of having girls. Thankfully, I did make those changes since even though my girls were dressed in head to toe pink, being carried in pink car seats, and wiped with pink burp cloths, I would inevitably be told what cute boys they are.

For some reason though I resisted painting their nursery pink. I had planned on painting it something neutral like beige or grey until a friend insisted it be pink. She's the kind of friend who's always right about this type of thing, so I listened. I searched high and low to find the perfect pink: not too pastel, still warm, and pretty of course. With the help of my mom, and about a million swatches, I found Benjamin Moore's Rose Petal, and I couldn't be happier.

Becoming a Domestic Goddess

I strive to be a domestic goddess. I truly want to be good at this job I have. I don't want o be annoying like Martha Stewart and do everything too perfectly, I want to more like the Barefoot Contessa who knows how to make a lovely dinner for 20, a terrific cocktail, and a romantic dinner for Jeffrey any night of the week. I want my house to be beyond reproach clean, but not too sterile that it's not cozy. I want to have a pot of coffee brewing every time a friend just pops by, and not have to say "there's a little left in the pot, hold on while I make some more."

I can still be a feminist (which I am) and want to be good at these things. However, I have some competition. It just so happens that my husband's better than me at all of the things mentioned above. He can have the house gleaming, a clam sauce bubbling, a mojito muddled and on ice, plus have the grass mowed, and a ceiling fan wired in under 2 hours.

I'm getting better, though. Tonight I surprised him with maybe the best oatmeal, walnut, chocolate chip cookies EVER! They aren't much to look at, but they are gooood. Lacy, crispy, and chewy. He begs for sweets, and try and surprise him a couple of times a week, even though I really don't like to have the temptation in the house. I'll have to remember to send the batch to work with him in the morning.
Note: I added chocolate chips & chopped walnuts Cookie Recipe:
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/gale-gand/crispy-oatmeal-cookies-recipe/index.html

Jon & Kate We Ain't

I am the mother of 9-month-old identical twin girls. They are the loves of our lives. I never in a million years could have dreamed of having twins. It truly never occured to me. The closest I'd come to twins is Barbie's Hart Family, but even those twins are a fraternal girl and boy. Oh, and I'm also a Gemini, so maybe personality-wise I'm kind of like a twin(?) or just have multi-personalities.

I honestly don't watch the show, although the world seems to think I should because people are constantly asking me if I watch! I've tuned in a few times to see what all the fuss is about, but I really couldn't stand watching the parents, Jon & Kate. Here's how we're different:
Me: nice, loving
My husband: has a backbone

I heard on the news yesterday that couples with multiples have higher rates of divorce. I'm sure it's true, but I hope we don't become a statistic. Sure, alone-time is harder (especially with two babies in your bed) and it's a lot of work without a learning curve of having one baby at a time, but I think if you work on it, make time for yourselves, talk openly about money and difficult topics, than you stand more of a chance than the average couple. We're bonded by not just one, but two other lives, and a very interesting experience.